November 26, 2010
CFB Week 13: Sexy Friday -Half-assed this week because of a lingering food coma and early Friday games

A big time weekend. Championship game and conference champion implications. First stop, The Iron Bowl.

Auburn @ Alabama: A truly tough game to call. If this game was in Auburn it would be an easy pick for the Tigers.  But playing in Tuscaloosa Alabama has been tough, very very tough.  While they have struggled on the road the defense has been shutdown fantastic at home this year. Auburn’s defense is crap so the onus will be on Alabama to put up some points while hoping that their defense can contain and control future Heisman-winner Cam Newton. Auburn has been on a roll and won some close ones.  Will be a hell of a game. 

Arizona @ Oregon: Arizona should not have a shot but after the Cal slip up Oregon should not take this game lightly.  Cal flustered Oregon by their D-line getting penetration and disrupting Oregon’s fast paced athlete-based offense. Oregon’s defense may not be as bad as I thought it was earlier in the season but still nothing special.  If Oregon comes focused this shouldn’t be much of a game but at this time of year, anything goes. 

Boise State @ Nevada: This is Boise’s last supposedly “marquee” opponent to trounce before making their case for the National Championship.  And sure, compared to the rest of their cupcake schedule Nevada is better than most but that’s not exactly saying all that much.  Nevada’s pass defense is complete garbage they are going to get scorched by Boise.  Their offense can produce but will face a very tough Bronco D. Watch that Boise D-line, nasty.  After this game Boise will be able to go back to game planning for every Top 10 team left in the rankings. 

Michigan @ Ohio State:  Only up here for the game’s tradition and my own shameless mid-america bias.  Michigan doesn’t really stand a chance. Even if they were able to put up 60 points against the Buckeye’s defense (they won’t) Tressel will loosen Pryor’s leash just enough to match and raise.  These games will be a hell of a lot more fun next year when the Big Ten has a championship (and Nebraska) to look forward to.  

LSU @ Arkansas:  If you’ve watched any SEC or LSU football this year you know that this 2:30 SEC spot has been stacked with great games all year. While there may be no title hopes on the line in this one it is a big game for both teams. No matter who they play LSU generally keeps it close and Arkansas has been very hot and cold.  Tune in to see how Patrick Peterson and the LSU defense handle the Mallet-led Arkansas air game. The chances that this game will come down to the last two minutes in the 4th Quarter….Very Very high. 

Oklahoma at Oklahoma State: Points, points, gonna be lots of points.  Two explosive offenses, 5 great running backs between the two teams and two underwhelming defenses.  Oklahoma State may have an edge in ball control and being able to control the tempo of play with their solid offensive line. If OkSt wins they will be in the Big 12 Championship. If Oklahoma wins, and Texas A&M wins (against Texas) and they count on their sure to be higher BCS ranking they could find themselves in the Big 12 Championship. 

TV Schedule: All times in CST. 


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Filed under: CFB Half-Assed Weekend Preview Shameless Smut Pandering 
November 19, 2010
CFB Week 12: When College Athletic Directors discover that oblong diamond-shaped professional baseball fields do not make for the best football arenas

SATURDAY GAMES

Wisconsin @ Michigan: Could be a fun one to watch if only to see how Wisconsin handles the point-happy Michigan offense led initially by Denard Robinson and then the angsty Tate Forcier after Robinson gets knocked out of the game..again.  Wisconsin has a very disciplined defense and is the leader in the Big Ten title hunt so should come focused.  Michigan’s defense doesn’t stand much of a chance and Wisconsin’s 83 point spectacle last week shows they aren’t afraid to light up the scoreboard if necessary and even more gleefully when it is just to salt already aggravated wounds. 

Illinois vs Northwestern (at Wrigley Field): Bwahahahahahahahaha….hahahaha. One endzone? They are seriously going to play this game with one endzone, where both teams will always play offense going in the same direction switching sides after each possession. NU’s surprisingly effective QB Persa was knocked out last week so the Wildcats will be handicapped but luckily for them they are facing Zook’s ineffectual Fighting Illini.  Tune in for a couple series to check out the stadium and bizarre play flow not for the level of play. 

Ohio State @ Iowa: Home advantage is big here for Iowa but that Northwestern game is a troubling sign for Iowa.  They’ve been on a bit of a slide the past few weeks and the d-line and running game in particular have not played up to their potential/hype.  Ohio State has been quietly winning games but not exactly in dominating fashion.  It still seems as though Tressel has kept his QB Pryor on a relatively short leash and not utilized all that he should be able to bring to the game but it usually doesn’t matter.  Ohio State is still in the Big Ten hunt and an Iowa win could open it back up for Michigan State as well so this one has plenty of conference impications.  Would have been bigger if Iowa had not lost to Northwestern last week but still well worth watching.

Ole Miss @ LSU: ….don’t bother comparing the team records but that doesn’t actually matter for much when we talk about LSU this year, what really matters this week is that the game is being played in Death Valley. It may only be a mid-afternoon game but as Alabama can attest from a couple weeks ago, in 2010 that doesn’t really matter.  By all objective measures LSU should suffocate Ole Miss but you’d be a fool not to keep an eye on this one, Les likes to keep it lose, keep people guessing.

 

Stanford @ Cal:  Cal put up a shockingly great fight against Oregon last week before the ducks drained out the clock. It will be interesting to see if that same defense shows up against Stanford’s generally strong but much more traditional (ala balanced NFL/I-formation) offense.  Cal obviously has the talent to keep up with the best teams in the Pac 10 but as has been the case for years they are plagued by inconsistency and dogshit playcalling.  This week will tell us whether last week was a fluke effort that simply caught Oregon off-guard or that Cal is the Pac Ten usurper. 

Arkansas @ Mississippi St: A Top 25 matchup with #13 Arkansas facing Miss State holding the 21 spot.  Could be an offensive shootout albeit with very different styles. Mississippi State was torched by Alabama’s McElroy a couple weeks back and those numbers could look modest in comparison to the one-dimensional focused passing attack that Arkansas brings to the table.  Miss State is more of a run-focused offense but has had success.  Overall should be a great mid-level SEC matchup.  These late afternoon and

Army vs Notre Dame (Yankee Stadium): Continuing with the baseball theme this week.  Not exactly a game to watch but a cool concept and always makes for some great pictures and video of the matchup no matter how pitiful the adversaries may be. Just an extra bit of flavor in the college game. Fun drinking game idea?  Finish your drink every time you see a misplaced Bronx Bombers fan waving the Puerto Rican flag.  Now that is a cultural mixing pot!

Nebraska @ Texas A&M:  Will be fun to watch Texas A&M’s new odd offense play against Nebraska’s strong, if under-performing blackshirt defense. Nebraska is capable of some explosive offensive production but their play on both sides of the ball has been inconsistent and they look like a different team each week.  While they probably are the best overall team in the Big 12 this will be a test for Nebraska.  Texas A&M has been on a roll but this will be tough.  The Aggies defense has struggled against the pass which Nebraska (on some weeks) has proven dangerous.  A great game to get a feeling for how Nebraska is shaping up in the home stretch. 

TV Schedule, all times CST. Happy viewing

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Filed under: CFB Weekend Preview 
November 12, 2010
CFB Week 11: Proxy wars by the mid-major contenders

Neither TCU nor Boise play an opponent worth even one-thousandth of a BCS point this week but don’t fool yourself this is a very important week for both teams.  Seeing as the 2010 championship will be decided by the system we have rather than the system we wish we had this is the time of year where some weird loyalties and support come out of the national contenders for their former victims.  Both TCU and Boise are now in a position where as essential as winning their remaining regular season games may be, if they want to be in the national championship some of the crappy games going on this week may be just as important for both teams. TCU Horned Frog fans will be rooting for the recently vanquished Utah who is up against the down on their luck (and manpower) Notre Dame ‘fightin to stay alive’ Irish.  For TCU’s victory over Utah last week (previously ranked 5th in the BCS) to remain a plus in their column they have to hope that Utah doesnt self destruct after their manhandling last week.  A loss to the Irish would hurt Utah and more consequentially hurt TCU if a spot were to open up in the championship and they have to vie against Boise State for a chance at the title.  
Boise is in a similar situation rooting for Virginia Tech, their only keynote win they have over TCU.  Frank Beamer and Va Tech flat out embarrassed themselves the second week of the season losing to James Madison.  Nonetheless, they’ve managed to recover after that pitiful start and are now 7-2 facing North Carolina.  Now, the ACC has been wild this year but hardly TV worthy football but Bronco fans need this win more than even the Hokies. If things fall into place in a logical fashion (which they never do in CFB) it is unlikely they will be able to pass TCU who has more “quality wins” according to the BCS schools.  They need Va Tech to finish strong, real strong.  So put on your Hokie hats Bronco fans, and the Horned Frogs should be sending women of loose morals dressed in school girl outfits to the ND team hotel.  Proxy wars may be less public and well-known but they more than make up for it in crossed rivalries, betrayal and nastiness. Bring on the chaos!

Iowa & Northwestern: This should be another solid Big Ten matchup, of which there have been plenty this year. Northwestern has has the kind of season so far which in the last few years under Coach Fitz have become typical.  They’ve been in lots of tight games, even against stronger opponents, and fail to hang on or close the gap in the 4th. This was the game last year where Iowa ran out of its magic and the nation learned how essential their vastly underrated QB Ricky “America!” Stanzi was and is to their franchise. Whether you have been paying attention or not and whatever your views on the slander of poor Mr. Newton and some of the more flashy, high-profile QBs in the nation Stanzi has one of the highest passing ratings in the country and will likely round out the top 4 for many a heisman ballot come December. Northwestern’s QB Persa is no slouch either but they face a much bigger challenge in handling Iowa’s nasty D-line and a defense which when rolling forces turnovers almost effortlessly, ask Michigan State. This could easily be one of those games where you turn it on in the 3rd or see the score at the bottom of your screen and be surprised to see how competitive it is.  Worth keeping an eye on. 

Georgia @ Auburn: Auburn only needs to win one of its next two games, either this week against Georgia or in 2 weeks against Alabama to secure its spot in the SEC Championship representing the West.  By all measurable accounts this game against .500 Georgia should be a pushover.  However since the return of their stud WR A.J. Green who sat out the first month they have been much improved and at least offensively have gelled as unit.  I don’t think it’s as simple as discounting them completely after their early 4-game skid and losing to…wait for it…Colorado (sidenote, kill yourself Georgia fans).  Nonetheless they should at least be able to put up some points, hell, who hasn’t been able to against Auburn.  If Georgia is to have a chance they’ll have to make some big plays on special teams and hope for the best against Cam Newton.  Auburn’s offense is on a tear and if they come motivated I don’t think it will really matter how much Georgia is able to put up, Auburn will match and raise. 

…..This just in.  ESPN and the NY Times are reporting that Cam Newton once read Karl Marx’s Das Kapital, Volume II and tweeted that while he thought it was strong in terms of a materialist critique of capitalism it lacked the political punch of Volume I which he believe is due to Engels editing some of the more barbed passages after Marx’s passing. TELL THE HEISMAN COMMITTEE!!! CAM NEWTON IS A COMMIE!!!  

Texas A&M @ Baylor: A fight for the middle of the Big 12 which this year is a pretty crowded race. Baylor suffered humiliation last week coming off their “big win” against an emasculated Texas team. While Texas A&M did the deed of the angry college football gods’ work last week by finishing off and exposing Oklahoma as just another middle of the road Big 12 team this year. Spoiler alert, every team in the Big 12 this year is middle of the road inconsistent in 2010, including Nebraska.  So, what happens when mediocrity and spoilers collide?  You might as well watch to find out for at least the first 15 minutes before Fla/So.Car kicks off. 

South Carolina @ Florida: The winner of this one will go to the SEC Championship representing the East because, well, someone has to do it. If all you think of South Carolina is their win over Alabama and all you know about Florida this year is their wonderfully delicious three-game mid-season skid than you have some makeup homework to do.  Neither team is fitting nicely into either the predictably bad or consistently strong category this year.  Florida has in fact rebounded to some degree, with some help from the return of Chris “Time to Die” Rainey and an offense which has if not exactly gelled at least found the right balance of meds to contain its early-season schizophrenia. 
South Carolina has been slowly breaking down after being the first to knock Alabama off its pedestal.  They are very dependent on the performance of their absolutely stellar true freshman RB Marcus Lattimore and he’s been wearing down.  The defense which was firing on all cylinders against Alabama has been shooting some blanks lately, letting Arkansas put up 40 and even giving up 24 to the JV team Tenneessee is fielding this year.  
For what it’s worth, I’d say Florida has the momentum coming into this game though it certainly should be the highlight of the night.  A great one to watch to see who will be playing for the SEC title in a couple weeks, likely against Auburn.

Oregon @ California: Even if it was true, I hope you wouldn’t hold it against me for including this Oregon game just to use the picture above.  I assure you that wasn’t the only reason, but it didn’t hurt.  Look, Cal should have no chance in this game…none.  They have had no signature wins this year unless you count Arizona St and UCLA, which you shouldn’t.  Both Arizona and USC piled on the points against their defense so hard to imagine they will fare any better against Oregon.  So, why should you watch? Well…you probably shouldn’t as long as you aren’t in some SEC hating part of the country trying to deprive you of some of the games above.  But if you do watch you will at least see some attractive cheerleaders, which are also quite googleable, and possibly the best mascot in the sport. So yea, it was all for the picture. Guilty

TV Schedule: All times Central

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Filed under: CFB Big Ten SEC ACC...I guess Oregawn 
November 10, 2010
About as close as you’re gonna get to a real salad in southern Louisiana. Can you blame him?

About as close as you’re gonna get to a real salad in southern Louisiana. Can you blame him?

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Filed under: Miles Smoked Grass Nutrition The Fine State of Louisiana Huey Long 
November 9, 2010
Have you heard? Cam Newton once killed a man just to see how it felt. ESPN and NY Times told me, must be true

Have you heard? Cam Newton once killed a man just to see how it felt. ESPN and NY Times told me, must be true

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Filed under: Cam Newton Auburn Slander Hype Noam Chomsky is upset media manipulation 
November 7, 2010
"I’m very thankful that I live in a country and have a job that allows me to experience some of the really positive things in our lifetime – college football. College football was celebrated today."

—

-Les Miles in postgame conference after win against Alabama

Amen, Les, Amen

(Source: Yahoo!)

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Filed under: Les Miles LSU College Football CFB Quotes 
November 4, 2010
CFB Week 10: Who schedules a day game against Alabama when they are coming to Death Valley???

Why is there an Amazonian Alabamian on my screen, you may ask.  Well sir, that is because Alabama is back on the radar.  LSU may be a somewhat one-armed opponent, with its pitiful offense and sporadic leadership but this is a statement game for Alabama.  They can still make it to the national championship but have to start with a showing in Death Valley. Why most of the good games this week are being played mid-afternoon is beyond me but you’d be forgiven for assuming this is somewhat of a quiet week in terms of big matchups.  Now, what does that typically mean?  Upsets, that’s right, upsets.  Although for the life of me I don’t see where they will come from but they are bound to appear.  There are five undefeated teams left in D1/BCS football, we’ll be down to four for sure after the TCU-Utah game but this could just be one of those surprise weekends. 

SATURDAY

Alabama @ LSU: Why is this not at night game in Death Valley?  It’s a damn shame. Hard to actually imagine LSU pulling off this upset but every single of their big games has at the very least been close and Les Miles is the king of 4th quarter out of nowhere sloppy wins.  Alabama’s defense should be able to completely shut down LSU’s pathetic offense.  The best part of this game will be watching the Alabama offense go up against possibly the best defense in at least the SEC. Both coaches have had two weeks to get healthy and game plan.  I wish it was a night game and not running at the same time as TCU-Utah but could be a fun one. 

TCU @ Utah: Hands down the game of the week. Such a great defensive matchup.  The game is in Utah (where Utah dominates 20+ straight wins) and both teams are very tough but TCU’s defense is the game-changer.  TCU’s defense is good, very good.  A great physical front 7 (particularly the line) and play-making secondary.  Utah has been playing some stout football but in much closer games including last week against Air Force, who TCU destroyed the week before.  The teams are very similar and it will hopefully be a back and forth close game. This is the keynote matchup for the Moutain West. It also is coming on the heels of Utah getting cranky about this whole BCS racket and trying to bring the Feds in to bust it up. If you can only watch one game this week make it this one, you could be watching a team which will be playing for it all in a couple months. 

Washington @ Oregon: Will there be a letdown for Oregon?  Can “NFL Ready!” QB Jake Locker take charge of the game against the ducks? ….Very unlikely but stranger things have happened on a CFB Saturday.

Arkansas @ South Carolina:  An SEC matchup to at least tide you over until the Pac-10 showdown begins. It is practically meaningless in terms of conference standings (Gamecocks can lose and still go to SEC championship), etc but it could be important in terms of bowl selection.  This will be another shootout although probably not as wild as Arkansas vs Auburn a few weeks back. Arkansas’ offense is missing one of their stud receivers (Childs was knocked out last week) but as the announcers on Saturday will tell you about a dozen times with “Rocket-Armed, NFL-bound, above-average height Ryan Mallett on the field any play can be a TD.” South Carolina has a TERRIBLE pass defense while Arkansas has a TERRIBLE run defense (hello Lattimore!), so again, the plethora of points in this game will make up for TCU-Utah earlier in the day. 

Arizona @ Stanford: Arizona still has a shot at the Pac 10 title if it can beat Staford here and then take out Oregon. Arizona’s defense is the question mark in this one (giving up 300+ yards to UCLA??).  Stanford’s offense is pro-style efficient and should be able to light up the scoreboard.  Don’t count out Arizona, with a strong passing game and general Pac 10 weirdness. Arizona hasn’t faltered yet this year but they are just getting into the meat of their schedule. 

TV Schedule-All time CST.  If it’s a good matchup and outside your immediate geographic neighborhood the networks probably decided you aren’t interested.  Damn them, damn them all. 

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Filed under: CFB Weekend Preview Oregon Alabama LSU Pac 10 Love TCU Utah Mormons Day Games Smut 
October 29, 2010
CFB Week 9 - I’ll be happy as long as the undefeated keep fallin’

First off, I figured I’d offer some help, it almost being the holiday season and all. Halloween can be a tricky holiday. For girls choosing a costume is a laughably easy equation “Sexy + (random occupation/noun)”, works everytime.  

For men it may not be as simple but the objective is basically the same, improve your odds for getting laid.  You can do this by picking something funny, functional (alcohol dispensing costume) or masculine (superheroes, firemen and Zorro). Should generally avoid masks and excessive face paint as being impractical for a party and kinda creepy in general.  Zorro masks obviously get a pass 

Anyways, it’s come to my attention that these simple rules are not necessarily being transferred to the younger generations causing problems.  This is sad and potentially harmful to our national security if the terrorists find out we’re being replaced by a generation of pansies. Thankfully we now have youtube and helpful daytime tv to come to the rescue. Fight the good fight!
Finding Masculine Halloween Costumes For Your Effeminate Son

With that aside, lets get to the games to watch this Saturday. 


Florida vs Georgia: The World’s Largest Outdoor Cocktail “Coke” Party.

While not necessarily a black tie affair it is a deep-seated rivalry and often the cause of some pretty hurtful words, such as “Gators wear jean shorts!”.  Frankly both teams are miserable this year, although Florida’s misery is of a more acute, shocking and delicious variety.  Georgia has been on the rebound, with A.J. Green back in the lineup, and should probably be favored this year (doesn’t happen often).  Florida’s offense is laughably inept.  The kind of gaffes and sad production you only wish on your mortal enemies and all teams from Florida. It is however one of the regular season rivalries and cultural happenings that make the sport so great.  


Michigan State @ Iowa: So exciting you might not even recognize it as Big Ten Football. This is it for Michigan State, at least on paper Iowa is the only opponent left on their schedule that could realistically derail their undefeated season and path to the BCS championship.  According to Vegas, Iowa is actually favored in this game.  I’m not so confident but I am sure it will be a hell of a game.  Iowa’s losses have been close and hard-fought.  Their loss in Arizona was embarrassing but really the result of one bad quarter and their game last week against Wisconsin was a shootout (by Big Ten standards) which Coach Kirk Ferentz blew when he tried to channel his inner-Les Miles.  Michigan State’s biggest weakness here may be their offense which is often a bit more lackluster than most 9-0 teams and some vulnerability on the O-line facing Iowa’s nasty D.  The past few weeks have shown the Big Ten can be exciting again and this one won’t be a let down.  


Missouri @ Nebraska:

Missouri has to be on “upset” alert this weekend after their massive win over Oklahoma last week.  The win didn’t necessarily say all that much about them as a team (OK was vastly overrated) but they have a stout defense and can move the ball.  Nebraska has been unpredictable this year and hard to peg as to what kind of team they really are.  They’ve been in WAC-like shootouts, sloppy defensive slogs, and other games where they just simply played down to the competition. No real identity just yet and even the blackshirts have looked iffy at times while the offensive straight-up explosive for others.  The game being in Lincoln is a big factor that does not bode well for Mizzou.  Worth watching to try to get an idea where the Big 12 is headed this year.

NIGHT SHIFT!
(Grab a classy snack with the lady friend before the next kickoff)


Utah @ Air Force: Air Force was pounded by TCU last week but now they get a second chance to play upset the undefeated.  Utah has TCU next week (Hell F’in Yea!) and may understandably be looking ahead, even just a bit.  They can’t really afford to against Air Force. Air Force may struggle with actually knocking off ranked teams but they are notorious for giving them a hard time (Oklahoma this year, and Utah/BYU last year). As far as the night shift games go this is a good secondary one to have ready on the remote, the Falcon’s triple-option is fun to watch and its a chance to really check out Utah before next week.


Oregon @ USC:  I can’t believe I’m saying this but I have to root for USC this week….

 

I’m not proud of myself and honestly it’s not even anything personal about Oregon (except for their stupid uniforms) but they must be sacrificed upon the altar of the fickle and vengeful college football gods to bring on the full end of year chaos and controversy we deserve as loyal fans.  For USC to have a chance in this game they have to avoid turning the ball over at all costs.  Oregon does a fine enough job scoring on its own normal offensive possessions but their true scoring frenzies this year have always come off of crucial takeaways by their defense.  They feed off that and no team will have a shot against them if they can’t control the ball and slow the game.

USC’s defense is not the Pete Carroll defenses in the days of yore (3-5 years ago).  I have no idea why a Monty Kiffin defense has been playing so inept but if they can at least hold Oregon in the 20s-30s they’ll have a shot. They have the talent to win this, obviously, and with all their restrictions/suspensions is their bowl game for the year.  They will not be in a bigger more significant game.  If they can stand up and deliver, knocking Oregon off and adding to the chaos, fantastic, if not then I hope Lane Kiffin is publicly humiliated and their descent is long, public and painful. I can only dream of the day, perhaps decades from now, when someone asks you what you think about USC last week your mind will go first to the Gamecocks of South Carolina and not that prissy ass team in Hollywood.  Inshallah!

—-Also worth watching… Baylor @ Texas at 7pm.  Could Mack Brown really lose 3 straight games at home?  Seems unlikely but Baylor is coming in hot and I’ll keep an eye on it for the schadenfreude value alone. 

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Filed under: BCS CFB Cocktails Hater Smut Tight Shirts Weekend Preview halloween Advice Too Long 
October 28, 2010
"No"

— The normally chatty Alabama coach Nick Saban on whether he would use the bye week to take some time off, have a beer, relax a bit

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October 27, 2010
"Do you think the BCS computers will take that into account? I mean that has to be worth at least two-thousandths of a BCS point, just has to. We’re still in this!"

— Oklahoma Coach Bob Stoops to his Assistant Defensive Line Coach upon hearing about the last words of Sooner Booster and Convicted Killer Jeffery Landrigan 

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Filed under: quotient quotables CFB Mike Stoops Derp Death Row Killin' Killers Oklahoma 
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